I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
