She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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