i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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