I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i love accidental penises.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
