worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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