Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
