so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
