i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
