remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
