Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
