it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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