It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
