Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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