i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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