I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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