Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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