I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
