Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
