Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
