are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
