how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
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