ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
