hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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