just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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