proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
