I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
