ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
