What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
is wine microwaveable?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
