do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
