You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
