I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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