birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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