I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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