I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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