Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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