oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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