You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
