it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
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so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
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She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.