he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.