you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
