I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
