Pants 0. Shit 1.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
