Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
