I CAN MOONWALK!
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
