Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
