It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
