she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
