sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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