after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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