I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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