Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
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I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
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EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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