So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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