you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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