Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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