Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I cannot find my penis.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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