can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
