It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
