If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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