She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
