either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
How does one acquire holy water?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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