fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
